Let me tell you about my blogging routine. I have a master list of posts I want to write, separated by categories. I then make a blogging calendar, which usually is about 3 posts a week. Do I ever write 3 posts a week? No. Why? My damn health. I attempted to write this post 4 times within the last week, but I am just unable to stare at the screen and think for too long.
Sometimes it’s hard to know if my physical pain is worse because of my anxiety and depression or vice versa. I’ve been feeling pretty depleted and despondent lately, and so I’ve been focused on a lot of self-care, which means acknowledging that perhaps hanging out or talking in depth to family is not the best thing for me right now. I tried talking to someone close to me about my pain, and it was disregarded. “It’s just stress. Once you get on your feet again, you won’t have any of that pain.” So what was the excuse when my life was very put together and I still had pain? I am not surprised by this reaction though. When I told this person I was diagnosed with IC, I was told by her that she had issues like that too when she was younger and it was just because of some other reason. It feels like pulling teeth.
The other reason for avoiding family hangouts right now seems best is because I went to dinner the other night and just could not pick myself up to have great energy. I was able to remain in conversation, but I had no energy. I had little interest in anything. I couldn’t taste the food I spent too much money on and I was being criticized for seeming like I was “bored”. I didn’t want to offend anyone, but I could not fake being happy. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted to the point where very little provides me with any sensation.
Things might be turning around though. There is a real possibility we will be moving and will be in our own place soon. Our lives will start to feel like ours again.
I sometimes worry about showing this part of me, this part of my life. I worry that this little thing I am doing will never grow or amount to anything, but then I remember that I want to be honest and raw, and the reason I even feel like this is because of how much social media and blogs show a very specific look to what reality is. Their living spaces are beautiful and modern, they eat expensive crackers, they are smiling on a beach, and on and on. There is nothing wrong with this, except for the fact that it shows one side of life and one that is not even real. The work it takes to make something look ‘pretty’ should be talked about more, but it’s like lifting the curtain back. It takes away from the finished product. I tried working that way when I first started, and it’s not like I do not put any thought in how I style or frame a photo, but I don’t want to gloss over my reality, which for the past couple months have been hard and not too pretty.
I think if more people showed this part of their lives, the messy side, then perhaps people wouldn’t look at their social media and feel a sense of emptiness. A sense that their lives do not add up. Perhaps feelings of inadequacy after comparing yourself or life to someone else who designed it to look that way will cease to exist. You will not feel like everyone has it more together than you, because they have a pretty house, and the amazing creative job, and beautiful clothes, and their faces are always stunning, and they travel all the time, and they have this sponsorship and get these things sent to them for free, and you will stop comparing yourself to this unrealistic lifestyle that you think is normal because everyone makes it seem normal.
Being messy, not put-together, a life complicated, confused about what you want to do, stressed about money and time, lounging on the couch with a messy bun and sweat pants on after watching 5 episodes of a tv show is also normal.
- Being too lazy, or not caring at all to put makeup on. Normal √
- Painting your nails and having some polish on the sides of your finger. Normal √
- Foregoing creating some beautifully styled meal to eat something easy and messy, but nourishing…Normal √
- Dreaming about traveling, but not being able to because you don’t get paid enough and your rent is too high to save any money…Normal √
I have made some real connections with just being honest about how I’m feeling, and I am hoping that continues. There is not just one side to life, and the pretty side of life does not necessarily mean a fulfilling one. I vow to stop comparing myself and my life to others and just focus on what brings me happiness.
Things I am Loving:
I’m currently sipping on Adagio’s Honeybush Banana Nut tea. It’s sweet, but not too much. I love drinking it in the afternoon with a pastry while I read my book or watch something.
I started watching Broadchurch on Netflix and absolutely love it. It’s a murder mystery that takes in a small town where pretty much everyone knows everyone. It surrounds the murder of a young boy, with a handful of suspects. It balances the mystery/plot element and the character relationships really well. It’s a character driven show and you come to know every character, even thee side ones, very well.
Having a heated blanket has seriously changed my pain management game. If I have a very specific pain I can target I will use my heating pad, of course…but when I am in pain all over, cuddling almost my entire body under a warm blanket helps immensly. My cat also loves it and that means more cuddle time with him, which always helps me feel good.
CBD has been a lifechanger when dealing with pain. I’m still experimenting with different methods, brands, and products. I enjoy these suckers that they sell at the store I go to. I will be writing all about my experience with CBD, my favorite brands and types of products, and how it has helped with my pain.