Howdy dear friends. I say howdy because my husband has been playing Red Dead 2 for the past couple of hours. I wish I was writing to you from a better emotional place than I was during my last Tea Talk, but sadly things only got worse. I had hoped things were turning around when I got an interview for a job position that I was so unbelievably excited about. I had to do a project on Thanksgiving and during the interview, which I felt went well, they had told me how they thought I was going to be a really great fit and that they were proud of my project and that I did things no other candidate tried, but then I never got a response back. They completely ghosted me. Of course, it hurt not getting the position, but what bothered me the most was that they did not have the audacity or respect to even send me a rejection email. It didn’t even need to be personalized, the last several weren’t, but just after all the time I spent dedicated to it, it would have been nice.
It’s hard to explain how my brain works, but I suffer from PTSD, from traumas I faced when I was younger. When I am in a depressed state, the symptoms are worse. The attacks are more frequent and more traumatizing. So I battle every day to remain positive and hopeful.
On top of continuing to have no luck in the job department, for neither my husband or I, we had our catalytic converter stolen from our car one night. This was the third time our car was a victim of theft since we arrived in Chicago four months ago. The first time someone threw a brick through our window (ended up being the most expensive to replace) and someone had jammed open our door another time, and then this. It cost $500 with insurance to replace. That was money we simply did not have to spend. That is after the $1000 it cost to fix everything before. We also spent some more money on a car alarm because the officer told us that they would come back and try again after replacing the piece. More money down the drain. It’s a good thing though because three nights in four days our car alarm went off in the middle of the night. It was absolutely terrifying to wake up to, and it left me shaking in fear and anger, and unable to sleep much.
It may not sound like that big of a deal, that’s what some of our family thought. “Oh, the alarm is doing its job, why be upset? ” but not only is it so startling to wake up in the middle of the night to a loud alarm going off, knowing someone is attempting to steal something again, but it’s also our only thing we own. It’s like our home. It was our home for many summer nights when we traveled across the country or stayed in the mountains, so to have it messed with hurts. It also may hurt more because we are already going through enough. So the drama of all of that while trying to remain positive about finding work was enough to leave me empty. I kept telling my husband that I couldn’t do it anymore, it all felt like too much.
So I applied for my teaching license so I can substitute teach while we look for work somewhere outside of Chicago. This is the second time we tried building a life in Chicago and it’s just not working out. We are looking a couple hours out, in a place where we have friends and some better opportunities. It’s frustrating to have to keep changing our plans, but we have to go where life takes us. Although the decision seems like it’s for the best, and we feel really good about it, it doesn’t come without its challenges. The main one being the guilt and sadness that comes from family, but it is what it is.
Besides all of this, I still have not received my health insurance from the state, and my symptoms keep worsening. I’ve basically done all that I can without a provider, so I strive to remain as healthy as I can be, but I can honestly say that lately, I’ve just accepted it as it is. I have to live one day at a time with my symptoms. I read this amazing book, ‘How to Live Well with Chronic Pain and Illness’ by Toni Bernherd, and some things changed my life.
Some things that stuck with me were probably what seems like the most simple ones…Choose yourself. Do what’s right for you, your mind, and your body. I have a personality trait of putting others before myself. I do it so much that it’s not a good quality but a flaw most of the time. I have done so many things that put me through pain, simply because I couldn’t say no, because I didn’t want to let anyone down. I am now learning how to say no to things. I can now say “I just can’t get through a night of standing and being around crowds, I’m going to sit this one out.” Another one is realizing that you have no control over a reaction someone has and to just accept it for what it is, which is probably a lack of understanding on my health and feelings, and move on. I have spent so much time on being worried or upset that I put a damper on someone’s evening because of my physical or emotional pain, or would get upset because I felt like I was coming off as not fun or self-centered because I couldn’t do something, and now all I can do is explain as best as I can with the time I have on what I am going through. If another person cannot understand then that’s fine. I won’t let that reaction cause me more worry.
Guide to Resolving Issues and Letting Go of Things You Cannot Control
- Create a master list of all the issues you are currently facing.
- On a separate paper or file, make a three column list. You can do this on paper or your computer/phone/tablet.
- Label each column accordingly:
- In my control ( leave some space under each item)
- Somewhat in my control
- Not in my control, at all
- Go through your master list and put them under the category they fall under.
- Lightly cross off each item under your ‘Not in My Control’ list. I do it lightly so I can see what I have listed still, but like crossing them off because it finalizes that I do not need to think about these things any longer.
- Under the spaces you left under each issue under your control, make a list of tasks for yourself on how to resolve the issue. It’s in your control, so you can fix this!
- Refer back to this list as often as you need.
- Take a deep breath, it’s all going to be okay!
Hope this helps a little! Maybe it helps knowing others are going through similar challenges or just hurting as well. I know it always helps me knowing that I’m not alone in my pain. We are all just doing the best that we can, and that’s enough.